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Moving past codependency - April Maccabees - 12-18-2024
Much of the stress that I'm experiencing at work is due to the codependency of my coworkers and managers. Codependency is a term that I recently learned about, though I have always recognized signs and symptoms of it. I don't recall it was ever a topic on the CM forums, at least when I was participating on it.
We're all broken people. I even recognize some codependent behaviors within myself. But experiencing other people's codependency can be extremely taxing. So, I have to figure out how to protect my own interests and sanity and to set boundaries.
RE: Moving past codependency - English Rose - 12-18-2024
How are you defining co dependency?
RE: Moving past codependency - enchantmentadm - 12-18-2024
(12-18-2024, 04:46 AM)April Maccabees Wrote: Much of the stress that I'm experiencing at work is due to the codependency of my coworkers and managers. Codependency is a term that I recently learned about, though I have always recognized signs and symptoms of it. I don't recall it was ever a topic on the CM forums, at least when I was participating on it.
We're all broken people. I even recognize some codependent behaviors within myself. But experiencing other people's codependency can be extremely taxing. So, I have to figure out how to protect my own interests and sanity and to set boundaries.
The term "codependency" comes from the substance abuse field. One who is in a close relationship with a person with a chemical (i.e., drugs or alcohol) dependency or whose life is affected by someone's drug or alcohol abuse is considered a "co-dependent." In more recent years, the term "codependency" has been applied more broadly to any relationship where there is an excessive, unhealthy dependence or involvement in another's life. Codependency is usually a product of dysfunctional families.
What specific behaviors in your workplace do you identify as "codependent"?
Probably the key behavior in codependent relationships is "enabling." "Enabling" involves intentionally or unintentionally encouraging or supporting someone's unhealthy or self-destructive behavior. Other co-dependent behaviors include people pleasing, not having or respecting others' boundaries, a warped sense of responsibility for others, and excessive caretaking.
You are on the right track in setting boundaries. This is essential for self-care. This can be challenging until we can let go of others' reactions to our setting boundaries.
A book you might find helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book was very popular in the 80s and 90s. So there are many used copies out there. If you want to go a little deeper, I would recommend "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. There are also support (12-step) groups such as Al-Anon and CODA you might find helpful in dealing with a codependent workplace.
Hang in there!
Another book you may find helpful is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend. It is from a Christian (non-Catholic) perspective.
RE: Moving past codependency - MaryAlice - 12-18-2024
(12-18-2024, 04:46 AM)April Maccabees Wrote: Much of the stress that I'm experiencing at work is due to the codependency of my coworkers and managers. Codependency is a term that I recently learned about, though I have always recognized signs and symptoms of it. I don't recall it was ever a topic on the CM forums, at least when I was participating on it.
We're all broken people. I even recognize some codependent behaviors within myself. But experiencing other people's codependency can be extremely taxing. So, I have to figure out how to protect my own interests and sanity and to set boundaries.
I can fully sympathize with you, April ... all I do for those people, and it redounds back to me, is to pray for them and to keep my distance as best as I can (boundaries). Having been to AlAnon meetings for years (for those who don't know, AlAnon are the meetings for the family, friends, and acquaintances of the alcoholics), our one huge mantra is that I cannot change anyone else... I can only change myself. I'm not responsible for anyone else's good or bad behavior. I just pray for them while staying away from them.
Another thing I've recently learned, especially over the past several years -- saying "no" to many of the things that others are doing
by not letting myself get drawn into all their drama. Who needs all the drama?!?! Not I. 
Here's wishing you a very fruitful and blessed Advent Season, and a Merry Christmas coming up next week!
(12-18-2024, 03:24 PM)enchantmentadm Wrote:(12-18-2024, 04:46 AM)April Maccabees Wrote: Much of the stress that I'm experiencing at work is due to the codependency of my coworkers and managers. Codependency is a term that I recently learned about, though I have always recognized signs and symptoms of it. I don't recall it was ever a topic on the CM forums, at least when I was participating on it.
We're all broken people. I even recognize some codependent behaviors within myself. But experiencing other people's codependency can be extremely taxing. So, I have to figure out how to protect my own interests and sanity and to set boundaries.
The term "codependency" comes from the substance abuse field. One who is in a close relationship with a person with a chemical (i.e., drugs or alcohol) dependency or whose life is affected by someone's drug or alcohol abuse is considered a "co-dependent." In more recent years, the term "codependency" has been applied more broadly to any relationship where there is an excessive, unhealthy dependence or involvement in another's life. Codependency is usually a product of dysfunctional families.
What specific behaviors in your workplace do you identify as "codependent"?
Probably the key behavior in codependent relationships is "enabling." "Enabling" involves intentionally or unintentionally encouraging or supporting someone's unhealthy or self-destructive behavior. Other co-dependent behaviors include people pleasing, not having or respecting others' boundaries, a warped sense of responsibility for others, and excessive caretaking.
You are on the right track in setting boundaries. This is essential for self-care. This can be challenging until we can let go of others' reactions to our setting boundaries.
A book you might find helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book was very popular in the 80s and 90s. So there are many used copies out there. If you want to go a little deeper, I would recommend "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. There are also support (12-step) groups such as Al-Anon and CODA you might find helpful in dealing with a codependent workplace.
Hang in there!
Another book you may find helpful is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend. It is from a Christian (non-Catholic) perspective.
It's not only for the drug and alcohol addicted person, but also gambling, food addictions, sex addictions, shopping addictions, hypochondriacs, etc. ...anything that causes a person to over-indulge in anything. We need to learn to say "no" to many things that would cause us to over-indulge in anything. Everything in moderation, right? A little self-control goes a long way.
RE: Moving past codependency - April Maccabees - 12-21-2024
(12-18-2024, 03:24 PM)enchantmentadm Wrote: What specific behaviors in your workplace do you identify as "codependent"?
Probably the key behavior in codependent relationships is "enabling." "Enabling" involves intentionally or unintentionally encouraging or supporting someone's unhealthy or self-destructive behavior. Other co-dependent behaviors include people pleasing, not having or respecting others' boundaries, a warped sense of responsibility for others, and excessive caretaking.
A book you might find helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book was very popular in the 80s and 90s. So there are many used copies out there. If you want to go a little deeper, I would recommend "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. There are also support (12-step) groups such as Al-Anon and CODA you might find helpful in dealing with a codependent workplace.
Hang in there!
Another book you may find helpful is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend. It is from a Christian (non-Catholic) perspective.
I see fawning, manipulation, intimidation.
I'll look into those books. Thank you.
RE: Moving past codependency - April Maccabees - 12-21-2024
(12-18-2024, 07:42 AM)English Rose Wrote: How are you defining co dependency?
I would define codependency as a disordered and unhealthy relationship in which one person definitely has either vice or some toxic quality, which is enabled by another person - due to compassion, a need to feel needed, etc. The second person might recognize that the relationship is toxic, but he or she does not set good boundaries.
An example might be a narcissist and an empath.
RE: Moving past codependency - MaryAlice - 12-21-2024
(12-21-2024, 05:13 PM)April Maccabees Wrote:(12-18-2024, 07:42 AM)English Rose Wrote: How are you defining co dependency?
I would define codependency as a disordered and unhealthy relationship in which one person definitely has either vice or some toxic quality, which is enabled by another person - due to compassion, a need to feel needed, etc. The second person might recognize that the relationship is toxic, but he or she does not set good boundaries.
An example might be a narcissist and an empath.
Yes, April, the internet and social media are FILLED with narcissists ... people who are looking for attention, overly needy, an extreme lack of humility; their egos are in overdrive. This is why I don't have a FB account. I've heard from others that it's like a bloodbath out on FB ... and who needs that? (Not I.)
Especially over the past four-plus years, ever since the lockdown in March of 2020, I've often thought that FB is for children and idiotic dolts. Everyone seems to be in 'broadcast mode.' Even in my own family, a couple years ago, one of my siblings grossly overstepped her boundaries by criticizing a distant relative out on FB, completely upsetting my now-deceased Godmother, the Great Grandmother of the target of my sister's crass criticism. My sister's contention and excuse was, "Well, I'm entitled to my opinion"! Not being very quick with a response, but weeks later, thought about it, 'do ya think anyone really cares about your opinion'? I'd like to think that I have enough self-awareness that no one else really cares about my opinion, so I usually wait until someone asks me for my opinion. All that aside, haven't brought up the issue again with my sister for fear of catching more of her wrath, and all I do is pray for her. I cannot change her, but with prayer, it changes me to be a lot more understanding of her situation, while at the same time, remaining the 120 miles away from her, while staving off the loneliness.
I extremely miss getting together with all my brothers and sister (listening to RelevantRadio and a few more knowledgeable people than I, they've been saying that of late, there is an epidemic of loneliness, to which I can certainly attest), but I don't want to travel the distance, only to get mistreated. Who would? Others have recommended that I tell her how I feel, but I really don't think it would matter to her, given other of her comments to me over the past four-plus years.
You mentioned "empath," but experiencing my sister's huge lack of empathy, it's astounding. I just pray for her as that's all I can do for her. And maybe, one day, she'll wake up to the realization of how her lack of boundaries, lack of empathy, along with her volatile, short, hot, quick fiery temper, along with the "F" word
(which I've asked her not to use, at least when she's talking with me, but my request goes nowhere), how all this adversely affects others and myself. Maybe she'll learn, maybe she won't; that's up to her. And I wish her well.Take care, April, and here's wishing you a very blessed Advent Season and Christmas, coming up next Wednesday!
RE: Moving past codependency - enchantmentadm - 12-22-2024
(12-21-2024, 04:19 AM)April Maccabees Wrote:It is endlessly fascinating to me how people can bring the dysfunction from their families into the workplace and create a new dysfunctional family. Manipulation and fawning certainly qualify as codependent behaviors. Intimidation is worse and rises to the level of abuse. One of my favorite scripture passages is from Matthew 5:37: "Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Anything more than that comes from the evil one." Manipulative people should take this to heart.(12-18-2024, 03:24 PM)enchantmentadm Wrote: What specific behaviors in your workplace do you identify as "codependent"?
Probably the key behavior in codependent relationships is "enabling." "Enabling" involves intentionally or unintentionally encouraging or supporting someone's unhealthy or self-destructive behavior. Other co-dependent behaviors include people pleasing, not having or respecting others' boundaries, a warped sense of responsibility for others, and excessive caretaking.
A book you might find helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book was very popular in the 80s and 90s. So there are many used copies out there. If you want to go a little deeper, I would recommend "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. There are also support (12-step) groups such as Al-Anon and CODA you might find helpful in dealing with a codependent workplace.
Hang in there!
Another book you may find helpful is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend. It is from a Christian (non-Catholic) perspective.
I see fawning, manipulation, intimidation.
I'll look into those books. Thank you.
RE: Moving past codependency - English Rose - 12-22-2024
(12-21-2024, 05:13 PM)April Maccabees Wrote:I am so sorry you are going through this April.(12-18-2024, 07:42 AM)English Rose Wrote: How are you defining co dependency?
I would define codependency as a disordered and unhealthy relationship in which one person definitely has either vice or some toxic quality, which is enabled by another person - due to compassion, a need to feel needed, etc. The second person might recognize that the relationship is toxic, but he or she does not set good boundaries.
An example might be a narcissist and an empath.
Finding a healthier workplace, where you can shine, would seem a prudent move especially as there seem to be several toxic players.
RE: Moving past codependency - susanb - 12-22-2024
(12-18-2024, 03:24 PM)enchantmentadm Wrote:(12-18-2024, 04:46 AM)April Maccabees Wrote: Much of the stress that I'm experiencing at work is due to the codependency of my coworkers and managers. Codependency is a term that I recently learned about, though I have always recognized signs and symptoms of it. I don't recall it was ever a topic on the CM forums, at least when I was participating on it.
We're all broken people. I even recognize some codependent behaviors within myself. But experiencing other people's codependency can be extremely taxing. So, I have to figure out how to protect my own interests and sanity and to set boundaries.
The term "codependency" comes from the substance abuse field. One who is in a close relationship with a person with a chemical (i.e., drugs or alcohol) dependency or whose life is affected by someone's drug or alcohol abuse is considered a "co-dependent." In more recent years, the term "codependency" has been applied more broadly to any relationship where there is an excessive, unhealthy dependence or involvement in another's life. Codependency is usually a product of dysfunctional families.
What specific behaviors in your workplace do you identify as "codependent"?
Probably the key behavior in codependent relationships is "enabling." "Enabling" involves intentionally or unintentionally encouraging or supporting someone's unhealthy or self-destructive behavior. Other co-dependent behaviors include people pleasing, not having or respecting others' boundaries, a warped sense of responsibility for others, and excessive caretaking.
You are on the right track in setting boundaries. This is essential for self-care. This can be challenging until we can let go of others' reactions to our setting boundaries.
A book you might find helpful is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The book was very popular in the 80s and 90s. So there are many used copies out there. If you want to go a little deeper, I would recommend "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. There are also support (12-step) groups such as Al-Anon and CODA you might find helpful in dealing with a codependent workplace.
Hang in there!
Another book you may find helpful is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend. It is from a Christian (non-Catholic) perspective.
i was introduced to Melody Beattie in the 1980's
...have read her extensively......
yes this problem is in our world and crushes many lives.
very sad and alanon is an enormous help...
I think there are many other programs to suit individual needs